Dirty Little Secret

Dirty Little Secret
by Scott Lew 7/28/11

I admit
I fantasize
 about food
Crude and shameless
 but after 3 years of not eating
 taking nutrition
 from a can of paste
 poured into my stomach
 via gastric tube
I dream
 of chewing
 savoring
 swallowing
 devouring
Ribs
Chicken wings
Swiss cheese and bacon burgers
Lamb chops
Pizza
Oodles of sushi
Oysters
Crab legs
Lobster tails
 with drawn butter
 coleslaw
 and a sirloin steak
 on the side
I invent menus
 of fantasy meals
I would eat
 if I only had one shot
 at one more meal
Sometimes I say
 to my imaginary chef
 just surprise me
I replay
Eating
 buckets of mussels
 osso bucco
 lasagna
 even chopped liver
 from the past
 like movies
 with taste and smell
 in my mind

I long for
Crap food
 in Golden Corral
 Taco Bell
 and Long John Silver’s
 commercials
Even the food
 that threatens to rip
 your dentures out
 in Polydent ads
 drives me nuts
And those on TV
 with heartburn
Just eat that corndog
 or spaghetti with meatballs
Take Tums
 and quit complaining
You don’t know
 how good you’ve got it

I think about
 which cuisine I would choose
 if I could magically eat
 only one
 for the rest of my life
Italian or Chinese
 are the usual winners
But sometimes
I get daring
 choose Greek
 Deli
 or Mexican

It’s perverted
 how I torture myself
 with food
But I can’t escape it
I remember conversations
 with my wife
 over wine and cheese
 or our Sunday morning
 breakfasts
Family dinners
 lunches
My first job
 making
 the world’s greatest hot dogs
Nights out with friends
Countless celebrations
 at restaurants
Life moments
 consummated
 with food
I miss the joy
 of discovering
 a new yummy something
 like the ramen noodles
 at the Japanese grocery store
 or the duck
 at that French joint
 in the Farmer’s Market
And sharing that special knowledge
 with people I love

There’s no escape
 from those memories
I run
 but fall
Eaten alive
 by the delicious swordfish
 at that fun place
 we went
 in Santa Monica

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3 Comments

Filed under ALS, ALS Poetry, Lou Gehrig's Disease, PALS, Poetry, Scott Lew

3 responses to “Dirty Little Secret

  1. joe (Vip) Viapiano

    Very Heavy……………diagnosed 1month ago ….& just waiting …waiting to carry on conversations with myself in my head because i’m in a chair with everyone around…hearing & seeing but unable to communicate …i wonder about “my last…..”…when will be the “my last day to walk”……”my last day to wipe my own ass” …..now i have to wonder when “my last day to go to the chinese buffet ” will be because of your blog ….that’s Ok how could you know ……..Take care Scott

    • Joe,

      No doubt, it sucks. The best advice I ever got was a line I read from Stephen Hawking. He said, simply, focus on and enjoy what you can do and ignore what you can’t do. I’ve found that works for me most days.

      But it is a fight.

      Keep fighting.

      Yours,

      Scott

  2. daniel kolodziej

    This reminds me of the Matrix scene. I wish i could give you the other pill and let you enjoy the steak. Love dan

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