Letting Go

The nurse pulled about fifty small dolls from a dryer under the sink
Which I hadn’t noticed was there
She clutched them gingerly to her chest
Making sure not to drop a single doll
As she prepared my food and medication
I saw
On the counter
Two little people
A cartoonish man and lady in a dress
Who were having a violent argument
Then they would make out
Kissing passionately
Then they would stop
Start over and repeat
The routine again and again
I saw the shadows of what looked like muppets
Having a conversation
I could not hear
Fantastic purple birds
Were flying in and out
Taking perch in tree branches
That would suddenly appear
The cables around me
Of which there were many
Would explode
Into graffiti bombs
Of squiggly lines
Then go back to normal
And all of this insanity
Was going on at the same time
I had a flash
My nurse was evil
That she slipped LSD in with my food
But then I saw her
On her back on the floor
Trying to kick a man off of her
Who was tickling her
While she continued to hang on
To all those crazy dolls
I realized I wasn’t drugged
I lost my mind
I couldn’t move a muscle
I couldn’t make a sound
And my grip on reality
Had been shattered
I was terrified
It was my brain telling me
I was going to die
I had been hospitalized seven days
For a mystery infection
That stopped me from being able to pee
And turned my blood septic
Not sleeping
But taking two different kinds of sleeping pills
Skipping many meals
Because the nurses were too busy or tired or confused
To feed me
I was kept in painful stress positions for hours
Then moved into a different
Painful stress position
Any time I would try to communicate with a nurse
They would think I was agitated
And shoot me up with
Morphine and Xanax
I was crumbling from the inside
But because I couldn’t move a muscle
I couldn’t make a sound
Nobody knew
Except my wife, savior and guardian angel
Who didn’t know I was seeing
Puppets, dolls and birds
But could sense I was in trouble
She went through Herculean effort
To bring me home
That day
Ironically it was
July 4th
She saved my life
Now I face a new reality
Funny as it sounds
Or not
I am too sick to be in a hospital
If I get another infection
I will need to
Ride it out at home
And if I die
I will not move a muscle
I will not make a sound
But thanks to my guardian angel
I will have peace of mind


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8 responses to “Letting Go

  1. Excellent. (And glad you’re home with your angel.)

  2. Daniel Lew

    Again and Again and Again you comeback from getting knocked down. Vibrant and energetic. Healing at home with dignity. My thoughts are with you always.

    Love you,
    Your brother-

  3. Kristine

    I have known you for over 6 years now and you and Ann have inspired me from the first day I met you and will continue to inspire me every day.

  4. Erika Tucker

    So glad you have Ann to be your advocate when it matters the most. Hospitals can be crazy places for both staff and patients. Very happy Ann knew to take you out of there in time to safe you.

  5. Nancy Sterling

    God Bless you, Scott. My daughter has just become a registered nurse recently, and showed me your blog, which led to my just finishing your movie, Living With Lew. I am just starting with your writings now and will read everything. My words can never begin to describe what a beautiful soul you are. And your mind. Your brilliant, funny, awe-inspiring mind. Your family is everything a family should be about, and reminds me so much of mine:) You have given me such a renewed sense of hope in this life. It is an honor to read your words. Here is a huge (((hug)))

    • Susie Emery

      Nancy Sterling, what kind words from a stranger. I’m Scott’s cousin, Susie. I love to see when people who don’t know Scott personally read his blog and feel his heart. That inspires me in return.

  6. Susie Emery

    It sounded like a scary David Lynch acid trip. Even though hospitals and nurses are where and whom people assume give the ill the best care we know that is not always the case. Treatment can be more about the person and not the disease. It’s those closest to you who take of your needs the best. I’m so sorry you had terrible hospital experiences, but so thankful you have an angel and cherubs at home. Ann really is your guardian angel. She knows your brain, your heart, and your soul. Some people are married decades without that connection. R&R are super sweet and I can’t wait to see them again. Now that G is bigger he can engage with them. Ann is such a good mom it inspires me to be better. By the way I’m nearly up to date on all your posts now. Too many comments to post individually so just know that I appreciate all of them and your honesty. LOVE U. 🙂

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