Tag Archives: near death experience

Connections

Roman, Rocky, and me

This picture of Roman and Rocky smiling with their dead dog skeleton toy in front of me inspired this poem. Don’t they look adorable?

Connections

First
I die
Then
A few billion years later
The Sun dies
Collapsing
And taking all of humanity
Remaining in the Solar System
With it
Then
A few trillion years later
The Universe
Dies
The Big Crunch
Possibly creating
A new Big Bang
And with it
A new Universe and possibly
A new me
I won’t know
I’ll be gone
Like the Universe
But
Just being able
To imagine
This
Makes me feel
Alive
Connected
In death
To every living
Thing
Throughout
Eternity

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Letting Go

The nurse pulled about fifty small dolls from a dryer under the sink
Which I hadn’t noticed was there
She clutched them gingerly to her chest
Making sure not to drop a single doll
As she prepared my food and medication
I saw
On the counter
Two little people
A cartoonish man and lady in a dress
Who were having a violent argument
Then they would make out
Kissing passionately
Then they would stop
Start over and repeat
The routine again and again
I saw the shadows of what looked like muppets
Having a conversation
I could not hear
Fantastic purple birds
Were flying in and out
Taking perch in tree branches
That would suddenly appear
The cables around me
Of which there were many
Would explode
Into graffiti bombs
Of squiggly lines
Then go back to normal
And all of this insanity
Was going on at the same time
I had a flash
My nurse was evil
That she slipped LSD in with my food
But then I saw her
On her back on the floor
Trying to kick a man off of her
Who was tickling her
While she continued to hang on
To all those crazy dolls
I realized I wasn’t drugged
I lost my mind
I couldn’t move a muscle
I couldn’t make a sound
And my grip on reality
Had been shattered
I was terrified
It was my brain telling me
I was going to die
I had been hospitalized seven days
For a mystery infection
That stopped me from being able to pee
And turned my blood septic
Not sleeping
But taking two different kinds of sleeping pills
Skipping many meals
Because the nurses were too busy or tired or confused
To feed me
I was kept in painful stress positions for hours
Then moved into a different
Painful stress position
Any time I would try to communicate with a nurse
They would think I was agitated
And shoot me up with
Morphine and Xanax
I was crumbling from the inside
But because I couldn’t move a muscle
I couldn’t make a sound
Nobody knew
Except my wife, savior and guardian angel
Annabel
Who didn’t know I was seeing
Puppets, dolls and birds
But could sense I was in trouble
She went through Herculean effort
To bring me home
That day
Ironically it was
July 4th
She saved my life
Now I face a new reality
Funny as it sounds
Or not
I am too sick to be in a hospital
If I get another infection
I will need to
Ride it out at home
And if I die
I will not move a muscle
I will not make a sound
But thanks to my guardian angel
I will have peace of mind

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Test of the Pest

The fly landed on my left eye ball
Glopped around
I could feel the tension
In its six legs
And it’s tiny mouth
Nipping at my cornea
It loomed gigantic
So close to my pupil
I can’t move
So I couldn’t shoo it away
I can’t close my eyelid
All the way
I can’t even make a sound
When I’m lying down
I laughed
Silent
Motionless
Trapped
Thought
This is how
It would feel
To be dead
Unflinching
In the face
Of what would drive the living
Mad
After what seemed like
An eternal
Eternity
The fly flew off
My nurse turned
Saw a subtle
Expression of fear
And disgust
Asked if I was ok
I quivered my lip
Which means
Yes

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DARK POWERS

Bright Lights: Roman and Rocky

Bright Lights: Roman and Rocky

DARK POWERS
By Scott Lew  7/3/13

Recently
The darkness in everything
And
The darkness in me
Feel closer
As the last of my muscles
Dissolve
The force
That keeps the darkness
Apart
Also weakens
I’m in-between
Feeling
The crush

Then
I’m snapped back
To fantastic
Reality

Roman uses me
As a lounge chair
And tells me about
The ice rock
That killed the dinosaurs
Rocky counts all five fingers
Playing with my limp hand
And tells me
I’m going to get better
Ann smiles
Despite everything
And
Bright light
Tickles my mind
Separates me
From
The darkness

Death
Makes so many
Simple things
Lifesavers

The last couple of times
I’ve seen my Dad
He’s admonished
That it’s time for me
To be at peace
With death
He feels the darkness too
It’s frustrating
Only to be able to
Blink out the words
“I am”
When I want to have
A big conversation
About meaning in life
And the narrow
But infinite
Nature of our existence
And how
Just having
Him there
Talking
About the heavy subject
Is one of those
Bright lights
Against
The inevitable
Crush
Of
Darkness

ALS is a terminal illness
And I’ve been to the brink
Many times
But feeling
The force
Of death
Tickles
When mixed with
Beautiful
Everything
So I’m going to
Keep on
Silently
Laughing

My Dad with Bright Light: Penelope

My Dad with Bright Light: Penelope

 

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Filed under ALS, ALS Poetry, Lou Gehrig's Disease, PALS, Poetry, Scott Lew

Near Death Experience

Near Death Experience
by Scott Lew 10/4/11

There was no alarm
 only the faint hiss of air escaping
 from a disconnected cord
I lay there
Suffocating
 wondering why
 no alarm
My wife and the nurse
 couldn’t hear my silent pleas
 or see my fear
 because I have so little ability
 to make sounds
 or facial expressions
My wife left the room
I made clicks with my tongue
 but the nurse was busy dressing me
 didn’t pay attention
Then came the grey fuzz
This is it
 I thought
This is how I die
I thought
 about my kids
 my wife finding me
 burdened with
 breaking the news
 of my death
The nurse putting pants
 on a dead guy
He wouldn’t even notice
 I was gone
 until it was too late
 because my body
 is already so lifeless
I could let go
I thought
Get lost in the flashes
 of my life that was
 riffing in my mind’s eye
Then Ann came back in the room
 realized something was wrong
I was grey turning purple
But there was no alarm
That’s when the nurse noticed
 the disconnected cord
Plugged it in
I heard a pop
The pow of things coming back
The fuzz was gone
I could feel my heart
 which was pounding
 start to slow
My emergency
 was over

It was a wake up call
I live so near death
 dependent on
 these fallible vents
 and flimsy plastic cords
 to breathe
I’d gotten so comfortable
 living so close
 to the edge
I forgot I was
 there

The next day
I stayed in bed
Relaxed
Let my kids jump all over me
Tried to give Ann
 room
 to de-stress
She had been to the edge
 with me
It was a good day
 there were no alarms

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Filed under ALS Poetry, Lou Gehrig's Disease, PALS, Poetry, Scott Lew